Back to Beware... The Song Shark!
Chapter 1
Beware, Be Informed…
Chapter 2
It's Hank…It's Hank!
(A Delightful Trip From The Kitchen To The Basement Of One Of America's Legendary Country Singers)
Chapter 3
The Nashville Syndrome
(How To Get Chewed Up & Spit Out In Several Easy Lessons)
Chapter 4
Road To Tragedy For One Family
(Murder, Mayhem, Cocaine, Misfortune & Infamy)
Chapter 5
Billy Joe Ray Bob…Hank [How In The Hell Did Hank Get In There?]
(A Day In The Life Of One Of Nashville's Slickest, Most Successful Cons)
Chapter 6
"I Positively, Absolutely, Unequivocally, Undeniably, Unqualifiedly, Unmitigatedly, Prostitutely Guarantee Your Record On The National Music Charts"
(Oh, Look, Mommie!!! The Tooth Fairy Left Twenty-Five Cents Under My Pillow!) (Nuff Said…)
Chapter 7
Let Us Record You Free [In "His" Name, Of Course]
(Indeed, A Most Revealing & Wonderfully Heartwarming Chapter About Our Good Friends Who Will Do Everything But "Share" You To Death)
Chapter 8
Preferred Hollywood Songwriters Hit Line ["Oh, Yes, Arnold, Kenny Rogers Is Dying To Get Your Tape. I Talked With His Producer This Morning!"]
(Proof Positive Why Songwriters Tout Sheets Are Only Usable In The Bathroom)
Chapter 9
You Too Can Be On A National Album
(And So Can Anybody Else In The Telephone Directory…One Of The Most Popular Scams Around)
Chapter 10
Exclusive Songwriters Club ["I'll Join, But I Don't Think I'll Have Time To Attend The Meetings"]
(Feel Like A Little Mental Massage?…If So, This Is The Chapter For You)
Chapter 11
Success By Association ["Oh, No…Hank Has A Brother?"]
(How To Be Screwed Out of $20,200 And Still Be Able To Walk Straight)
Chapter 12
World of Poetry [You Too Can Be Walt Whitman Or Elizabeth Barrett Browning…They're Dead, You Know]
(The Most Super, Colossal, Million Dollar, Moneymaking Machine In Poetry History)
Chapter 13
The American National London, New York, Cincinnati Philharmonic Symphony Scam ["You Mean I Get All This For $65?"]
(An In-depth Look At The Logistics Of One Of The Most Prominent & Moneymaking Scams In The Business)
Chapter 14
The Music Publisher ["You Say It's $286.50 For 500 Copies?"]
(A Short Visit With Those Gentile Folk Who Keep The Star, The Globe & The National Enquirer In Business)
Chapter 15
Mutual International Talent, Inc. [For Want Of A Better Name]
(How To Become A Recording Star Overnight For Only $1,800)
Chapter 16
On The Charts…Or Your Money Back
(Here's A Dandy Little Scam That's Been Around For Many Years & It Only Costs You $25,000)
Chapter 17
The Pyramid Scam [Egypt Ya!…Egypt Ya!…Egypt Ya! Again!]
(Talk About Something Stupid, Or Somebody Stupid…This Guy Even Operates Out Of His Car)
Chapter 18
Mealticket Media, Incorporated ["Let Us Shop Your Tape and Get You a Deal"]
(This Is Almost As Bad As The World's Oldest Profession, But Frankly, Not Quite As Much Fun)
Chapter 19
Oh My God, We're On The Charts! ["Hi, This Is Rock Holiday. I'm Just Calling To Let You Know You Got One Hell Of A Record. You're Number 13 This Week On The Southwestern Texas Independent Record Charts…Hello?"]
(If You've Got The Money, Someone Will Invent A Chart…Especially for You)
Chapter 20
Hiring the Independent Record Promoter [Or, Maybe You Should Be Firing The Independent Record Promoter]
(How To Tell If You've Hired A Record Promoter Or Just Somebody Who Is Going To Take Your Money & Run)
Chapter 21
How To Become World Famous For Fifty Bucks ["What Do You Mean, You Won't Sign Me To An Exclusive Recording Contract?…I'm In 'Who's Who In America'!"]
(This Deals With Probably The Most Useless Mental Massage Available)
Chapter 22
"Oh, My Gawd…Oh, My Gawd…Oh, My Gawd!!! They're Playing Our Record In Budapest, Bangladesh, Constantinople, Athens, Fukuoka, Baghdad & Terrilliger Heights"
(How The Weasel of Murphreesboro Is Gonna Get You…Unless You're Smart)
Chapter 23
"Hell, It's Only $50.00 A Year Membership Fee. You Could Make As Much As $3.12!"
(The Epitome Of Nickel & Dime Scams…So Stupid That Even The Scammer Loses Money)
Chapter 24
Designer Recording ["A Record…Especially For Me?"]
(Yes, Virginia…There Is A Santa Claus…But Damned Few Legitimate Custom Record Companies)
Chapter 25
"A Thing Of Beauty Is A Plaque Forever" (Silver Poet 1990) Congratulations to... Your Name Here
(Oh, My God! John Campbell & Eddie-Lou Cole Are At It Again)
Chapter 26
Singer Who Sold Over Twenty Million Records Will Critique Your Song For A Small Fee
(These Guys Are Still Making A Buck The Easy Way As Most Of Them Are Either 80 Or Dead)
Chapter 27
Conlee & The "Double Team" Boys ["You Mean You Don't Have An Agent?"]
(An In-depth Look At One Of The Most Despicable Con Games In The Business)
Chapter 28
The Catalogue Caper
(This One Gets The Award For Being The Most Stupid Of All Con Games)
Chapter 29
Half & Half ["Wow! What A Deal! We've Gonna Go Halvesies!"]
(This Is Positively The Most Common Scam In The Music Business. Pay Strict Attention To This One)
Chapter 30
Joe, Ed, & Emma And Their Incredible Record Mailing Machine ["Come On Ed, I Know Damned Well You Can Get Fourteen Records In That Little Envelope!"]
(More Dirty Deeds From Our Beloved Villains In Music City, U. S. A.)
Chapter 31
Song Poems Wanted [But Not As Badly As Your Money]
(These Scams Are Perpetrated By The Minnows Of The Business…The Song Sharks Are Too Slick For This)
Chapter 32
Successful Supermarket Songwriting Or How Shad O'Shea Went From Aisle 8 (Canned Fish, Cat Food, Personal Hygiene Items) To Success & Stardom In The Music Business
(I Just Had To Do It Friends, I'm Sorry. This is A Reprint From "Just For The Record" But What The Hell…The Cartoons Are Different)
Chapter 33
"Poems That Will Live Forever" Or The Final Straw From Eddie-Lou Cole & John Campbell
(The Next Thing You Know Eddie-Lou & John Will Be Offering Trips To The Moon For The Next World of Poetry Annual Convention…Anything…Yes, Anything…For A Buck)
Chapter 34
The Hit Line Radio Record Network ["My God! They're Playing My Record On Every Station In The World!"]
(Another Very Popular Radio Station Air Play Scam, Only This One's Got A New Twist)
Chapter 35
"Sit Down Young Man. You May Call Me Attorney-at-Law... Mr. Barrister, Learned Counsel, Counselor, Solicitor, Or Lawyer…"
(Yet Another Exciting Scenario About Some Of The Scumbags In The Legal Fraternity)
Chapter 36
How To Get A Famous Name To Record You Song Or…"Damn It, Daddy, If You Really Loved Me You'd Let Me Play In Your Band So I Wouldn't Have To Make These Stupid Demos For A Living"
(How The Guys with Famous Daddies Continue To Bilk The Suckers)
Chapter 37
"You Too Can Go Gold…Hell, The Beatles Ain't Got Nothing On You At All"
(Another Popular Scam To Massage Your Ego, Make You Feel Good…And Lighten Your Wallet)
Chapter 38
…"Just Sign Here & I'll Get The Five Best Record Promoters In America For You…That Will Be $5000 Please. Thank You. Good Day."
(How To Eliminate The Middle Man & Save About Five Big Ones…Five Really Big Ones)
Chapter 39
"I Got a Publishing Contract! I Got A Publishing Contract!…But Why Is Everybody Doing The Splits?"
(Why Is It That This Musical Pigeon Drop Continues To Work On A Daily Basis…I Guess Barnum Indeed Was Right)
Chapter 40
The Final Chapter, Or Dial A Demo…Seek A Smash…Hit A Hit…Touch A Tune…Search A Song…Do You Believe This????
(A Befitting Way To End Our Lovely Trek Through Con Land. This One Takes The Award For Being Absolutely The Most Stupid Scam Ever)
Chapter 41
A Final Word of Advice…
Back to Beware... The Song Shark!
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